


It's A Family Thing

by justhavesex



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, Family Fluff, Hanji mike and erwin are animals, M/M, mikasa and armin and jean are kids, than an actual fic, this is more like a drabble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-25 05:05:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7517522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhavesex/pseuds/justhavesex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Armin and Jean, by blood, are related to Eren.</p><p>Mikasa is his fucking piece of shit. She's a big crap, one that was tough to squeeze out of his ass, really. And he doesn't mean that in a literal sense. Before him and Eren married each other they had normal wives and had normal jobs and had a bunch of children, to which their families became combined when Levi and Eren decided they were in love, and voila! Here they are! In Hell!</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's A Family Thing

 

 

 

"Jean I thought I told you to clean your room!"

Levi turns onto his side, book hanging from his finger tips as he adjusts shoving his ear-plugs more properly into his ears. Every Saturday morning is the same, Eren bitching at Jean, Jean bitching at Eren all while Levi ignores them for a good two hours before finally intervening and beating Jean into doing his goddamn chores. One would think by now Jean would understand no matter how much he argues he will have to do it, but Levi is beginning to suspect their youngest is an idiot.

"I'm not going to! You can't make me!"

Mike, laying on top of his stomach lazily yawns, paws digging gently into the fabric of Levi's shirt as the he can nosily hear the TV in the next room going on, Armin apparently taking to re-watching his favourite TV show for the fifth time this past week. Which would be fine and all if Armin didn't always play the TV at volume _fifty_. Levi digs his ear-plugs further into his ear, slowly feeling more and more homicidal with each increasing minute.

"Jean!" Eren screeches at the top of his lungs, Jean's footsteps banging down the stairs. Levi rolls onto his stomach, Mike moving onto the curve of his back. "You stop right there young man or I swear to _god_ —"

"I don't care ground me all you want! I've been grounded for the past two years anyway!" Jean screams back, footsteps stomping through the kitchen, with Eren following after him screeching more obscurities, and Levi smiles inwardly. It's true, Jean has been grounded ever since he's turned eight and he's turning ten in a few months. Though in Levi's fair opinion, his bratty youngest son does deserve it. Mike stretches lazily, whiskers tickling the skin that's begun to show because Mike is such a goddamn fat cat and he always makes Levi's shirts ride upwards when they're on the couch.

"Mom!" Armin screams from the living-room, "Shut up! I'm trying to watch my show!"

"Don't tell mom to shut up!" Screams Mikasa from her room upstairs, Levi yawns. The house is quiet for a good moment before Mikasa yells, "Jean, shut the fuck up!"

"Fuck you!'

" _JEAN!_ " Eren screams, allowing a loud gasp to leave his mouth and all Levi hears from the kitchen is a dull _WHACK_ sound from the spatula being used to beat Jean—as it per usually is every Saturday morning—and Armin groans loudly from the living room, "Don't swear!"

"How come Mikasa can swear and I can't?!"

"She's _fifteen_! You're ten!"

Erwin makes a loud barking noise from the outside and Mike finally takes to jumping off of Levi in favour of padding off to where all the action in the kitchen is happening. With a loud sigh, Levi closes his book and yanks out his ear-plugs, tossing both onto the coffee table before standing up.

"Levi!" Eren screeches from the kitchen, "Can you go get Erwin?"

Hanji comes padding into the living room, as though to check if Levi is actually doing what Eren had asked him, but Levi knows Hanji is just being a little shit and is trying to escape outside when he opens the door for Erwin to come inside. He kicks at her gently, pushing her to the side as he finally goes to open the front door, Erwin quickly bouncing inside and Levi yanks the door closed as soon as she spots Hanji making a straight quick bee-line for the open door.

"I'm going to run away!" Jean is yelling frantically, Eren yelling just as frantically and sometimes Levi wonders why the two of them find it so hard to get along, then again, he guesses it has to do with Jean taking after Eren in most personality traits—because Levi is pretty sure he doesn't screech as much as they do—and heads to the kitchen, Hanji and Erwin padding after him in hopes of conning some food out of their owner.

"Jean, go clean your fucking room before I shove a broom through your nostrils." Levi growls the moment he lays eyes on their youngest, and Jean twirls around, eyes wide and frightened.

"But _dad_ — _!_ "

"Go. I'll make you redo it if it isn't up to standards, oi, are you listening? I said get moving." Jean snaps his teeth at him, hissing something underneath his breath before brushing past his parents and stomping all the way upwards to do as he's told. Eren crosses his arms, glaringly angrily at his husband.

"I'm going to start making you deal with him," Eren threatens lightly, worming up close and wrapping his arms around Levi's waist as he curls his face into the crook of his neck. From here he can see Armin in the living room, Mike taking to stepping all over Armin's homework in hopes of getting the young pre-teen to pet him, Mikasa coming down the stairs quietly—if only Jean was as easy to raise as Mikasa—all dressed up and holding her cellphone in her hand. It's a massive family if he counts their goddamn pets into the equation, six kids. Three humans brats and three animal brats, with a loud husband (wife?) and noisy children that suck him dry of money and life. He kisses Eren's forehead gently before tugging himself away.

"Oi, Mikasa where are you going?"

"Out." She answers vaguely, pulling her shoes onto her feet and rushing to where Eren is standing to give him a hug, nuzzling her mother's chest with a serene smile. "I'll be back later mom, I'm going to Annie's, we're going to watch a movie."

"Ah... Okay." Eren takes to patting her head awkwardly, watching as she smiles gently to him before turning and adorning a harsher look onto her father, before leaving the house. Over the years Levi's just taken to ignoring it, Mikasa's always been that way, protective over Eren and wary around him, ' _because she takes after you_ ' Eren would always say, and Levi can't even argue with the accusation. It's true. "You know I'm starting to think Mikasa is lying about Annie, what girl dresses up that much to go see her best friend? Do you think she's sneaking out to meet a boy?"

"Who knows." Levi mutters vaguely, grabbing an empty dirty mug from the corner of the counter before heading to sink and rise it so he can drink his fifth cup of coffee of the day. He glances at the clock, _it's only 11 AM_ , he adds more miserably into his thoughts. He glances to where Armin's taken to abandoning his homework, leaned backwards and ignoring his goddamn volume _fifty_ Teen Wolf—or whatever, Levi doesn't care—show, in favour of texting that Reiner guy. Levi can only tell his middle son is texting the guy because Armin is always fucking _smiling_ when he texts the giant blond.

 _Giant_.

"Dad!" Jean screeches from the top of the stairs, and Levi takes to glaring at the wall. " _Daad!_ " Jean screams louder, and Levi counts to three before the idiot comes rushing down the stairs, holding the broom upside down. Levi lovingly runs a thumb along his coffee mug, "Mom there's a spider upstairs!"

Eren scoffs, "Go kill it."

" _Dad_ ," Jean whines, padding his way up close into Levi's personal space. _Personal_ space. Levi reacts by pushing Jean backwards with his index finger, then promptly rubs the digit clean on his shirt, before glaring at Jean. Jean doesn't seem to really care. "There's a spider upstairs."

Levi takes to staring at where Hanji's taken to rubbing her ass against Eren's calf. "I can hear you just fine."

"Don't get rude with him," Eren nags snappishly, he pauses, tilting his head to the side. "Oh! I think Petra and Auruo are coming over for lunch, I almost forgot."

"The _spider_ ," Jean bemoans a bit more loudly.

"Armin! Go kill the spider for your brother!" Eren screeches, his naggy I'm-a-house-wife tone taking over the house in five seconds flat. Eren waits for a good 4 seconds before he decides, apparently, that Armin can't hear him and wanders off to the living room to go nag Armin into killing a goddamn spider for their bratty youngest. Jean grumbles something under his breath, and Levi watches as Jean, brave as ever, throws the broom off to the side and heads off to open up the fridge, apparently deciding that 2 minutes of brief cleaning is enough.

"Oi," Levi warns darkly.

" _I know_ ," Jean hisses back, shoving what was supposed to be Levi's breakfast _tomorrow_ into his mouth. Jean takes another, long thoughtful bite of Levi's-supposed-to-be-sandwich before tossing it back into the fridge. Levi almost recoils in disgust right there and then, but he stands strong. "You know there's this girl in my class dad she's super cute."

 _Eren, it's talking to me_ , Levi thinks miserably, wondering if their married couple telepathy has finally come to work. Levi waits a second hoping Eren will come back stomping into the kitchen and demand that Jean get back upstairs before beginning his ritualistic nagging Levi about pointless things—except he doesn't—and Levi leans backwards, eyeing the living room with a frown when he spots Eren sitting down next to Armin and rubbing his back, with Armin crying about _something_. "Why is your brother crying?"

Jean blinks, follows Levi's line of sight, and shrugs carelessly. "Who knows? Her name is Historia, she kind of looks like Armin." Jean pauses, nose wrinkling back before adding a more breathless, "Wait, _ew_."

Levi stares on into the distance blankly.

The TV finally goes quiet and that's when Levi hears the most _cursed_ sentence of all the things Eren tends to say. "Wait here, I'll get your father."

Jean sneers at him pleasantly, before quickly opening the fridge and grabbing the sandwich he's take two bites off and shoving it underneath his shirt before grabbing the broom off the ground and going the long way around to go back upstairs. Eren comes back into the kitchen, frowning, as per usual, but a little more of a sad frown than a naggy frown. "Can you talk to Armin I think he's upset."

"No shit," Levi grunts back immediately. He hears a loud sniffle from the living room and adds more quietly, "Shouldn't you talk to him?"

"What? He needs advice, you're better at that, just go talk to him, _honey_." Eren pushes at Levi's shoulders urging him into the living room what probably seems like encouraging thrusts, but Levi literally feels like he's being forcibly ejected into the arctic. Armin's head snaps around to look at him the moment he steps foot and Eren scurries away muttering something about making lunch.

"Are you upset?" Levi grunts.

Armin leans backwards, changing the channel to a cooking show, and smiles. "Nah."

He hates all his children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Armin and Jean, by blood, are related to Eren.

Mikasa is his fucking piece of shit. She's a big crap, one that was tough to squeeze out of his ass, really. And he doesn't mean that in a literal sense. Before him and Eren married each other they had normal wives and had normal jobs and had a bunch of children, to which their families became combined when Levi and Eren decided they were in love, and _voila_! Here they are! In Hell!

Jean is a piece of shit. Mikasa is a moody piece of shit, and Armin, he doesn't even know what to think about Armin. He'll sum it up to Armin is _also_ a piece of shit.

They're all a bunch of pains in his ass, and he's pretty sure Jean is their only child that _isn't_ gay. Ha, take that societal assumption that gay parents will make their children gay. Only _two_ out of their three ended up gay. Levi feels slightly defeated, sinking into the couch as he tries to focus on this shitty-ass book Mikasa had bought for his birthday two months ago. _Why_ she bought him a book about teenage boys becoming vampires, he doesn't know, or particularly want to find out the plot. But Eren has been nagging him.

And nagging him.

And nagging.

And _nagging_.

He doesn't think that sentence can be said enough. Hanji purrs against his calf, which is all in attempt to distract Levi from that fact that the little fucker is _gnawing_ on his leg like it's a fucking treat.

He kicks her off of the couch.

"Dad!" Jean screeches, throwing open the front door and Levi turns so his face is facing the cushions in hope that Jean will be tricked into thinking he's asleep. Except there's the loud _pitter-patter_ of _multiple_ child footsteps. " _DAAAAAAAD_!" Jean screeches at the top of his lungs and Levi runs a hand over his own face before getting up.

Levi promptly decides Jean will die by suffocation.

Maybe Eren will be thankful and not angry.

 _Maybe_ _._

"What?" Levi hisses, recoiling in fear when he spots _five_ little demons trying to force their way into his house. _Oh god_ , Levi thinks, trying to recall if Eren is in the household somewhere, before he remembers that an hour ago Eren left telling him something about lunch and friends.

Jean smiles coyly, "I brought friends."

Levi glares. The little _fucker_ , he knows too—

"Out. Go in the backyard or something."

"We want to play games," Connie, whom Levi recognizes because Eren is a terrible husband? Wife?— _whatever_ —and forces Levi to attend Jean's school events with him. _Terrible_. The little brats also recognize him because last year at Jean's school play in which Jean played Snow White (Levi laughed for the first time in 8 years), Levi had punched one of the gym teachers because he was, and I quote, ' _being fucking irritating_ '. Jean had told him after that everybody started to treat Jean like a gang leader because they had assumed Levi was part of the mafia.

"Games!" Sasha chirps in agreement.

Levi idly wonders if it'd be quicker for him to kill them all or kill himself.

Just as he ponders on the ideas of possible suicide attempts Eren's car pulls up into the driveway to which Jean groans ' _damn! Mom's home_!' to which all the little brats kick off their shoes and act super good and nice by all gathering into the living room and sitting down with a bunch of smiles on their faces.

 _Demons_.

"Oh," Eren coo's as he places a bag of groceries on the counter and smiles to Jean and his shitty-mc-shitty friends. "Would you guys like some snacks?"

Really, it's hard to imagine that Eren was married to a woman before.

 

 

 


End file.
